All About Love And Relationship
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Marital Intimacy – A Connection
For Marriage
Marital Intimacy – A Definition
The phrase “marital intimacy” is frequently used only to refer to sexual intercourse. However, the phrase is actually a much broader concept and speaks of the relationship and connection between a husband and a wife. There is potential for a rewarding and deep connection between a husband and a wife that encompasses four main areas -- emotional, mental/social, spiritual, and physical.
Marital Intimacy – Can We Obtain it?
Since marital intimacy can exist between a husband and wife, how do we experience it? How can it impact my life and relationships? It is accomplished as both the husband and the wife sacrificially love each other by concentrating on meeting the other’s needs. Of course, no spouse should ever be expected to meet all the needs of the other. Nevertheless, the marriage is a team that is made up of two puzzle pieces. When the pieces fit together, they will create a beautiful picture of what marital intimacy is all about.
Intimacy is accomplished as each spouse learns to connect with the other emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically. Men and women are designed uniquely, so these four aspects of intimacy will be experienced in a different way for each spouse. Women generally find fulfillment in the emotional connection with her husband and she wants to know that her feelings are both valued and shared. Women also enjoy mental forms of intimacy and mutual exchange of thoughts.
Men feel marital intimacy differently and often feel the greatest levels of intimacy through activity, companionship, and forms of physical intimacy such as sexual intercourse. The intimacy needs of women might be described as “being,” while the same needs in men can best be conceptualized as “doing.”
Marital Intimacy – Spiritual Intimacy
The writer of the Book of Ecclesiastes speaks of two individuals deriving warmth from lying down together (Ecclesiastes 4:9). The same passage provides a visual picture of a rope that is woven with three strands of cord to symbolize the intimate connection that exists in a marriage that is strengthened by God. From these verses in the Bible, we can understand that while marital intimacy is certainly about a physical connection, it is much more than that. The Apostle Paul writes in Ephesians 5:31-31 about a mysterious union of a man who, by joining himself to a wife, becomes one flesh with her.
Where does God fit into spiritual intimacy? He waits to be invited to become the third cord spoken of in Ecclesiastes. God reveals Himself as Creator of the universe and of mankind. Here, we find that God has created human beings in His image. In other words, we have a human spirit that was made to connect with the Spirit of the Living God. God intends that we also join our spirits together within the covenant of marriage.
How do we achieve spiritual intimacy? We must first recognize God as the One who has created us and designed a spiritual life for us. Once we have entered into a personal relationship with Him, then we are ready to share our spiritual journey with our spouse as we seek all that God has for us within the beautiful covenant of godly marriage.
Marital Intimacy – A Definition
The phrase “marital intimacy” is frequently used only to refer to sexual intercourse. However, the phrase is actually a much broader concept and speaks of the relationship and connection between a husband and a wife. There is potential for a rewarding and deep connection between a husband and a wife that encompasses four main areas -- emotional, mental/social, spiritual, and physical.
Marital Intimacy – Can We Obtain it?
Since marital intimacy can exist between a husband and wife, how do we experience it? How can it impact my life and relationships? It is accomplished as both the husband and the wife sacrificially love each other by concentrating on meeting the other’s needs. Of course, no spouse should ever be expected to meet all the needs of the other. Nevertheless, the marriage is a team that is made up of two puzzle pieces. When the pieces fit together, they will create a beautiful picture of what marital intimacy is all about.
Intimacy is accomplished as each spouse learns to connect with the other emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically. Men and women are designed uniquely, so these four aspects of intimacy will be experienced in a different way for each spouse. Women generally find fulfillment in the emotional connection with her husband and she wants to know that her feelings are both valued and shared. Women also enjoy mental forms of intimacy and mutual exchange of thoughts.
Men feel marital intimacy differently and often feel the greatest levels of intimacy through activity, companionship, and forms of physical intimacy such as sexual intercourse. The intimacy needs of women might be described as “being,” while the same needs in men can best be conceptualized as “doing.”
Marital Intimacy – Spiritual Intimacy
The writer of the Book of Ecclesiastes speaks of two individuals deriving warmth from lying down together (Ecclesiastes 4:9). The same passage provides a visual picture of a rope that is woven with three strands of cord to symbolize the intimate connection that exists in a marriage that is strengthened by God. From these verses in the Bible, we can understand that while marital intimacy is certainly about a physical connection, it is much more than that. The Apostle Paul writes in Ephesians 5:31-31 about a mysterious union of a man who, by joining himself to a wife, becomes one flesh with her.
Where does God fit into spiritual intimacy? He waits to be invited to become the third cord spoken of in Ecclesiastes. God reveals Himself as Creator of the universe and of mankind. Here, we find that God has created human beings in His image. In other words, we have a human spirit that was made to connect with the Spirit of the Living God. God intends that we also join our spirits together within the covenant of marriage.
How do we achieve spiritual intimacy? We must first recognize God as the One who has created us and designed a spiritual life for us. Once we have entered into a personal relationship with Him, then we are ready to share our spiritual journey with our spouse as we seek all that God has for us within the beautiful covenant of godly marriage.
Pornography for Women - Step Out of the Pit
Pornography for Women – Unfulfilled Desires
Pornography for women is becoming a serious struggle for women around the globe. Although women are more likely to fall into the pit of an illegitimate sexual or emotional relationship, they are also engaging themselves in the passive activity of pornography. Women can easily get caught in the dangerous porn pit.
How does this happen to women?
In our corrupted world, many women do not have a loving legitimate relationship where the need to be touched is filled in an intimate relationship. Abused and/or mistreated women often become hardened to loving sexual stimulation. Other women may not receive warm a loving tender touch from their spouses, but will not seek pleasure outside of marriage because they have been taught and have accepted that adultery is wrong.
The deep longing and need for secure, gentle, masculine touch is such a deep part of who she is as a woman. No matter how busy any woman may be or how fulfilled she is otherwise; the need for loving touch hangs in the background of her daily life, looking for fulfillment.
Pornography for Women – What Negative Effect does Pornography have on Women?
Light porn catches a woman’s eye, maybe even in a flashing TV scene. This passive activity pulls one into the vicarious enjoyment of watching another receive satisfaction for their desires. The more she looks, the more advanced the pornography needs to be in order to receive the same reaction. Due to the progressive nature of porn addiction, it doesn’t take long for her to be drawn into the pornography trap. The desire for pornography becomes greater than the woman’s power to resist and she becomes entrapped in the vicious cycle. She has fallen into the porn pit -- a dangerous and destructive place to be.
A woman’s self image is damaged as she compares her body with that of porn stars. Eventually women feel the need to prove she is just as beautiful, just as thin, just as sexy. This stimulates unhealthy temptations such as eating disorders and unhealthy relationships to find approval.
Not only do women compare themselves to others, but compare their spouse as well. “My husband doesn’t compare to the bodies I see online, therefore I need other stimulation to get me going.” In her mind, she is suddenly in a romantic and intimate fantasy relationship with a porn star, rather than her own husband.
Pornography addiction often leads to a masturbation addiction and often into a physical sexual affair. This creates a slippery slope into broken marriages, families torn apart, sexually transmitted diseases... the list goes on.
Pornography for Women - Healing for Women Caught in the Porn Pit
As a woman who is struggling with porn, how can you get out of the vicious cycle?
Humble yourself to seek help. Do not try to do this alone. We recommend Pure Online and the book Every Women’s Battle by Shannon Ethridge.
Recognize that the habit of viewing porn is an attempt to fill a deep feminine need. This need joins together in an illegitimate relationship with pornography. Viewing pornography becomes an idol, filling the place of God in a woman’s life.
Admit the problem -- recognize that your desire for pornography has taken control and you are trapped by something that is greater than your power to resist.
Create boundaries. Cancel magazine subscriptions, avoid stores or websites where porn is available, create TV and online blocks on pornographic channels, avoid reading romance novels, and run from sexual chat rooms.
Believe that you can have deliverance from both the cause and the habit.
The very presence of Jesus in your life has the power to change your life. The closer you come to Him, the closer you come to freedom from the addiction, which holds you. Won’t you let Him come in and make you whole?
Ask God to search your heart for the weaknesses that have allowed temptation to come in and take control.
Starve your addiction. Totally abstaining from pornography is the only way to kill the addiction.
Enable forgiveness -- first forgive yourself. Then forgive others who may have been involved in whatever way. Then allow others to forgive you.
Make restitution -- Help others receive deliverance from the pit of pornography. Making restitution helps to restore the path of righteousness in your life.
Decide each day to live in victory over the addiction, which once held you captive.
Pornography for women is becoming a serious struggle for women around the globe. Although women are more likely to fall into the pit of an illegitimate sexual or emotional relationship, they are also engaging themselves in the passive activity of pornography. Women can easily get caught in the dangerous porn pit.
How does this happen to women?
In our corrupted world, many women do not have a loving legitimate relationship where the need to be touched is filled in an intimate relationship. Abused and/or mistreated women often become hardened to loving sexual stimulation. Other women may not receive warm a loving tender touch from their spouses, but will not seek pleasure outside of marriage because they have been taught and have accepted that adultery is wrong.
The deep longing and need for secure, gentle, masculine touch is such a deep part of who she is as a woman. No matter how busy any woman may be or how fulfilled she is otherwise; the need for loving touch hangs in the background of her daily life, looking for fulfillment.
Pornography for Women – What Negative Effect does Pornography have on Women?
Light porn catches a woman’s eye, maybe even in a flashing TV scene. This passive activity pulls one into the vicarious enjoyment of watching another receive satisfaction for their desires. The more she looks, the more advanced the pornography needs to be in order to receive the same reaction. Due to the progressive nature of porn addiction, it doesn’t take long for her to be drawn into the pornography trap. The desire for pornography becomes greater than the woman’s power to resist and she becomes entrapped in the vicious cycle. She has fallen into the porn pit -- a dangerous and destructive place to be.
A woman’s self image is damaged as she compares her body with that of porn stars. Eventually women feel the need to prove she is just as beautiful, just as thin, just as sexy. This stimulates unhealthy temptations such as eating disorders and unhealthy relationships to find approval.
Not only do women compare themselves to others, but compare their spouse as well. “My husband doesn’t compare to the bodies I see online, therefore I need other stimulation to get me going.” In her mind, she is suddenly in a romantic and intimate fantasy relationship with a porn star, rather than her own husband.
Pornography addiction often leads to a masturbation addiction and often into a physical sexual affair. This creates a slippery slope into broken marriages, families torn apart, sexually transmitted diseases... the list goes on.
Pornography for Women - Healing for Women Caught in the Porn Pit
As a woman who is struggling with porn, how can you get out of the vicious cycle?
Humble yourself to seek help. Do not try to do this alone. We recommend Pure Online and the book Every Women’s Battle by Shannon Ethridge.
Recognize that the habit of viewing porn is an attempt to fill a deep feminine need. This need joins together in an illegitimate relationship with pornography. Viewing pornography becomes an idol, filling the place of God in a woman’s life.
Admit the problem -- recognize that your desire for pornography has taken control and you are trapped by something that is greater than your power to resist.
Create boundaries. Cancel magazine subscriptions, avoid stores or websites where porn is available, create TV and online blocks on pornographic channels, avoid reading romance novels, and run from sexual chat rooms.
Believe that you can have deliverance from both the cause and the habit.
The very presence of Jesus in your life has the power to change your life. The closer you come to Him, the closer you come to freedom from the addiction, which holds you. Won’t you let Him come in and make you whole?
Ask God to search your heart for the weaknesses that have allowed temptation to come in and take control.
Starve your addiction. Totally abstaining from pornography is the only way to kill the addiction.
Enable forgiveness -- first forgive yourself. Then forgive others who may have been involved in whatever way. Then allow others to forgive you.
Make restitution -- Help others receive deliverance from the pit of pornography. Making restitution helps to restore the path of righteousness in your life.
Decide each day to live in victory over the addiction, which once held you captive.
Fantasize – Healthy?
Fantasize – What’s it all about?
When we fantasize, we imagine a situation that does not correspond with reality, but expresses certain desires. Fantasies typically involve situations which are impossible or highly unlikely.
Many fantasies are sexual in nature. This applies to both sexes, but often one or the other mate is dissatisfied and will begin fantasizing to “get through” the lovemaking session with their spouse. Is this healthy for the relationship?
Fantasize – What’s the harm?
What harm, if any, is there in fantasizing? How does it begin and where might it lead? These are good questions to examine.
Fantasizing first leads to an increased dissatisfaction with your spouse. Many women experience a desire to be adorned with affection from her man. This is normal, but when he fails to come through for her, she:
begins to have impatient, unfulfilled, and perhaps unreal expectations of him,
dreams or fantasizes about someone else showering her with all she desires,
begins to think that the “grass may be greener” elsewhere,
is certainly deterred from working on her commitment to love and honor,
finds herself vulnerable to the temptations of outside sources.
David Sanford1 writes:
“Nobody wakes up one day and suddenly decides to begin an extramarital affair. Infidelity begins in the heart and mind. By the time a person physically commits adultery, he or she has been indulging for quite some time in progressively more intense mental and emotional affairs.”
If we continue to dwell on sexual thoughts about another man, these thoughts will eventually give birth to sexual compromise. We are rehearsing in our minds what we would like to act our physically. When this man comes in our direction, we are more likely to act upon those fantasies since we’ve already rehearsed them in our minds. As Sanford says, we’re working toward an extramarital affair by fantasizing it in our minds.
Unfortunately, the Internet has opened a new door to fantasizing. Not only is pornography abundantly available, but chat rooms are especially appealing to women. It’s very easy to begin “chatting” and begin a fantasizing online relationship. Even inappropriate online relationships can lead to infidelity of the heart and soul.
There is a great deal of harm that can begin with fantasizing. We should guard ourselves from giving into this temptation. Whenever a fantasy enters your mind, critique it. The authors of Every Woman’s Battle2 encourage us to use these questions to determine whether a particular thought is healthy:
Is the thought beneficial? Does this thought harm me or my spouse in any way or hinder our sexual relationship?
Does the thought involve anyone else? Sexual activity is for you and your spouse only.
Is the thought honoring to God? The Bible is very clear that God sees our minds and wants us to focus on thoughts that are pure. Philippians 4:8 says, “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable -- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy -- think about such things.
Fantasizing – What can I do instead?
When you are tempted to fantasize, remember why you first fell in love and committed yourself to your spouse. Your marital fidelity began with your promise to be faithful. This applies to being faithful -- physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
If you have a hard time keeping your mind from going to thoughts of fantasy, you might try these alternatives:
Talk to your spouse and let him know if you have feelings of neglect or dissatisfaction, but be sensitive. Address this with regard to his feelings and work on this together and prayer together about it.
Explore intimacy with your spouse, put some new spice in your love life, be sure you make time to enjoy each other without stress and distractions.
Pray and ask God to help keep you from fantasy and impure thoughts.
Read your Bible daily and study topics like self-control, love, and faithfulness.
1 Thessalonians 4:3-5 reads, “God wants you to be holy, so you should keep clear of all sexual sin. Then each of you will control your body [and thoughts] and live in holiness and honor -- not in lustful passion as the pagans do, in their ignorance of God and his ways.” God created us to be amorous, affectionate people -- within healthy and satisfied marriages. Enjoy your sexual life in a passionate and honoring way.
When we fantasize, we imagine a situation that does not correspond with reality, but expresses certain desires. Fantasies typically involve situations which are impossible or highly unlikely.
Many fantasies are sexual in nature. This applies to both sexes, but often one or the other mate is dissatisfied and will begin fantasizing to “get through” the lovemaking session with their spouse. Is this healthy for the relationship?
Fantasize – What’s the harm?
What harm, if any, is there in fantasizing? How does it begin and where might it lead? These are good questions to examine.
Fantasizing first leads to an increased dissatisfaction with your spouse. Many women experience a desire to be adorned with affection from her man. This is normal, but when he fails to come through for her, she:
begins to have impatient, unfulfilled, and perhaps unreal expectations of him,
dreams or fantasizes about someone else showering her with all she desires,
begins to think that the “grass may be greener” elsewhere,
is certainly deterred from working on her commitment to love and honor,
finds herself vulnerable to the temptations of outside sources.
David Sanford1 writes:
“Nobody wakes up one day and suddenly decides to begin an extramarital affair. Infidelity begins in the heart and mind. By the time a person physically commits adultery, he or she has been indulging for quite some time in progressively more intense mental and emotional affairs.”
If we continue to dwell on sexual thoughts about another man, these thoughts will eventually give birth to sexual compromise. We are rehearsing in our minds what we would like to act our physically. When this man comes in our direction, we are more likely to act upon those fantasies since we’ve already rehearsed them in our minds. As Sanford says, we’re working toward an extramarital affair by fantasizing it in our minds.
Unfortunately, the Internet has opened a new door to fantasizing. Not only is pornography abundantly available, but chat rooms are especially appealing to women. It’s very easy to begin “chatting” and begin a fantasizing online relationship. Even inappropriate online relationships can lead to infidelity of the heart and soul.
There is a great deal of harm that can begin with fantasizing. We should guard ourselves from giving into this temptation. Whenever a fantasy enters your mind, critique it. The authors of Every Woman’s Battle2 encourage us to use these questions to determine whether a particular thought is healthy:
Is the thought beneficial? Does this thought harm me or my spouse in any way or hinder our sexual relationship?
Does the thought involve anyone else? Sexual activity is for you and your spouse only.
Is the thought honoring to God? The Bible is very clear that God sees our minds and wants us to focus on thoughts that are pure. Philippians 4:8 says, “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable -- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy -- think about such things.
Fantasizing – What can I do instead?
When you are tempted to fantasize, remember why you first fell in love and committed yourself to your spouse. Your marital fidelity began with your promise to be faithful. This applies to being faithful -- physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
If you have a hard time keeping your mind from going to thoughts of fantasy, you might try these alternatives:
Talk to your spouse and let him know if you have feelings of neglect or dissatisfaction, but be sensitive. Address this with regard to his feelings and work on this together and prayer together about it.
Explore intimacy with your spouse, put some new spice in your love life, be sure you make time to enjoy each other without stress and distractions.
Pray and ask God to help keep you from fantasy and impure thoughts.
Read your Bible daily and study topics like self-control, love, and faithfulness.
1 Thessalonians 4:3-5 reads, “God wants you to be holy, so you should keep clear of all sexual sin. Then each of you will control your body [and thoughts] and live in holiness and honor -- not in lustful passion as the pagans do, in their ignorance of God and his ways.” God created us to be amorous, affectionate people -- within healthy and satisfied marriages. Enjoy your sexual life in a passionate and honoring way.
Love Addiction Dependence
Love Addiction – The Issue
Love Addiction is just like any other compulsion except that it has to do with relationships. Because of the ‘love’ part of the addiction, people often don’t understand the dangerous gravity of the situation. In fact, Hollywood tends to make light of this problem in sitcoms and movies because a true-love relationship just isn’t marketable. Glorified love is the stuff upon which movies are created! But no matter how comical Hollywood makes it, love addiction is no laughing matter to the addicted person or their partner.
A person who is excessively attached to another person most likely carried those habits over from past relationships. The conditions in such past relationships left the person feeling inadequate or mentally and/or physically abused. Romantic relationships are not the only type that cause such habits to develop; they can also stem from any of the following conditions: lack of nurturing or attention during childhood, isolation or detachment from family, hidden pain, early abandonment, unrecognized early needs, fears of rejection, pain, and lack of love or hope.
A love addict has a fear of change. They will attach themselves to another person as to obtain that person’s identity for themselves. Having a very low self-esteem and lacking self-identity, the person chooses a mate or friend they would like to become. Crimes of passion, murder, suicides, and stalking, bloom out of these relationships. Homosexuality is another byproduct of this problem, as it’s easier to take on the identity of someone of the same sex. A love addict also has the need to control the relationship. They will use sex to get their own way or in exchange for love. He or she confuses sex for love.
When a person tries to break up with a love addict, the situation becomes very intense and could result in stalking. The break-up adds to the addicts already overloaded emotional system. The love addict is not afraid to be as outlandish in actions as possible.
Love Addiction – The Characteristics
The following are some of the obvious traits of this addiction:
Is unable to trust in relationships
Has an inner rage over lack of nurturing in childhood
Battles with depression
Tolerates high-risk behavior
Has other addictive or compulsive behaviors
Questions values and life all the time
Has a frantic personality
Denies problems
Confuses wants as needs
Replaces ended relationships immediately
Love Addiction – What’s does it leave in its wake? Addicts tend to stifle any self-development because they feel only a need to obtain what their partner has obtained. Unrealistic hopes and dreams tend to shatter their relationships quickly and because of this pattern of disappointment, fear and dependency are resident emotions. As soon as possible after a breakup, the addict will find another partner to avoid self-dependence; or they may dwell in the remains of a lost relationship even to the point of stalking the person that left. Instead of honesty and self-integrity, the addict is destructive to a loving partnership.
Psychological imbalances and childhood problems that are magnified to a point of self-destruction need professional counseling. It is necessary to free the addict to love in a healthy relationship.
Love Addiction – What is Love to you?
The most beautiful expression of that kind of love which we all seek is found in the Bible -- 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. Here, the Bible elegantly defines love in this way: ”Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. Love will last forever.”
Find out who God is and you will find that true relationship you’ve searched for your whole life. Once that is settled, He will give you just the right person with whom to have a healthy, heart-based love.
Love Addiction is just like any other compulsion except that it has to do with relationships. Because of the ‘love’ part of the addiction, people often don’t understand the dangerous gravity of the situation. In fact, Hollywood tends to make light of this problem in sitcoms and movies because a true-love relationship just isn’t marketable. Glorified love is the stuff upon which movies are created! But no matter how comical Hollywood makes it, love addiction is no laughing matter to the addicted person or their partner.
A person who is excessively attached to another person most likely carried those habits over from past relationships. The conditions in such past relationships left the person feeling inadequate or mentally and/or physically abused. Romantic relationships are not the only type that cause such habits to develop; they can also stem from any of the following conditions: lack of nurturing or attention during childhood, isolation or detachment from family, hidden pain, early abandonment, unrecognized early needs, fears of rejection, pain, and lack of love or hope.
A love addict has a fear of change. They will attach themselves to another person as to obtain that person’s identity for themselves. Having a very low self-esteem and lacking self-identity, the person chooses a mate or friend they would like to become. Crimes of passion, murder, suicides, and stalking, bloom out of these relationships. Homosexuality is another byproduct of this problem, as it’s easier to take on the identity of someone of the same sex. A love addict also has the need to control the relationship. They will use sex to get their own way or in exchange for love. He or she confuses sex for love.
When a person tries to break up with a love addict, the situation becomes very intense and could result in stalking. The break-up adds to the addicts already overloaded emotional system. The love addict is not afraid to be as outlandish in actions as possible.
Love Addiction – The Characteristics
The following are some of the obvious traits of this addiction:
Is unable to trust in relationships
Has an inner rage over lack of nurturing in childhood
Battles with depression
Tolerates high-risk behavior
Has other addictive or compulsive behaviors
Questions values and life all the time
Has a frantic personality
Denies problems
Confuses wants as needs
Replaces ended relationships immediately
Love Addiction – What’s does it leave in its wake? Addicts tend to stifle any self-development because they feel only a need to obtain what their partner has obtained. Unrealistic hopes and dreams tend to shatter their relationships quickly and because of this pattern of disappointment, fear and dependency are resident emotions. As soon as possible after a breakup, the addict will find another partner to avoid self-dependence; or they may dwell in the remains of a lost relationship even to the point of stalking the person that left. Instead of honesty and self-integrity, the addict is destructive to a loving partnership.
Psychological imbalances and childhood problems that are magnified to a point of self-destruction need professional counseling. It is necessary to free the addict to love in a healthy relationship.
Love Addiction – What is Love to you?
The most beautiful expression of that kind of love which we all seek is found in the Bible -- 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. Here, the Bible elegantly defines love in this way: ”Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. Love will last forever.”
Find out who God is and you will find that true relationship you’ve searched for your whole life. Once that is settled, He will give you just the right person with whom to have a healthy, heart-based love.
Husband Addicted to Porn - Help for the Hurting Wife
My husband is addicted to porn – the Current State of the Union
Your husband is addicted to porn. You’ve been crushed by your his behavior, and rightly so. Where do you go from here? Do you stay with him? Punish him? Dump him? All you know is that you cannot and will not compete with the stuff he’s filling his mind with.
Mandy said she always believed her husband when he told her he simply didn’t have much sexual desire—until the day she happened to open a package that came in the mail. Inside were two DVDs of naked women, a Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, a Fredrick’s of Hollywood catalog, a Victoria’s Secret catalog, and a Howard Stern tape.
She was devastated, saying, “Most men want to have sex all the time. Mine now says he totally hates sex, but that he likes to look at nude women and fantasize, and he’s been masturbating two or three times a day and has nothing left for me! I feel completely rejected by my own husband. Do you understand that? Do you understand that I love my husband and I want him to love me? I have no one to talk to about this. I know I should pour myself out before the Lord, but I hurt too much. Is there any earthly help for me?”1
My husband is addicted to porn – Is it normal to feel the way I do?
If your husband is addicted to porn, he is not leading a disciplined life. He is robbing you, so you naturally feel crushed. What other feelings will surge over you in the wake of his porn and the masturbation that follows? Anger, for one. It’s normal to be angry when you’ve been robbed, and so it’s normal to be angry at your husband’s sexual sin. You needn’t apologize for that.
Don’t be surprised if you’re feeling like an outright fool too. What could be more normal? When you find out that your husband has been secretly looking at another’s bare body and masturbating, you’ll feel utterly blindsided. You may even be kicking yourself for not having seen it coming, especially if your female intuition sent out early warning signals. . . signals that you, in your faithfulness to him, laughed off as paranoid or even out-and-out silly.
If you’ve ignored such clues, you feel like a fool, another common emotion swamping wives in the wake. But that feeling becomes an overwhelming flood if you’ve beat yourself up over his lack of sexual desire over the past few years, figuring that your “home cooking” should have kept him coming back for more if it tasted any good.
Out of guilt you may have shouldered the whole load of responsibility for his lack of desire -- maybe dieting hard to lose weight and pouring out sweat in heavy workouts to draw out the desires of your one and only. Perhaps you’ve stopped by Victoria’s Secret in order to drape yourself in something visually tantalizing to spark his attentions, even though wearing it made you feel uncomfortable. And often, when you bravely initiated a passionate encounter, your vulnerability was flung back in your face.
And now? You’ve found out it was never your fault at all. While you were sacrificing juicy burgers for limp salads and running treadmills like a gerbil on a wheel, he was masturbating away his sex drive on others. On your darker days you now even suspect that he conveniently led you to believe that you were to blame, intentionally and artfully using your guilt, fear, and disciplined regimens to cover the tracks of his undisciplined life. How stupid you feel! How conned!2
My husband is addicted to porn – What do I do now?
Face it. Because of his sexual sin, your marriage was compromised. Sure, you’re hurt and very angry. You’ve lost that warm, cozy image of your marriage, and that naturally wounds you deeply. But in another sense, you haven’t lost as much as you think, because your marriage wasn’t what it appeared to be. My point? There is a bright silver lining to this dark, billowing cloud. Think about it: you have been living in a false world, and had it not been for this revelation of your husband’s sin, you might have blindly and tragically gone through your whole life without ever experiencing the richness God intends for your marriage. But God is faithful, and He loves you too much to leave you where you are now. Of course, it’s my odds-on guess that this hasn’t felt much like love to you, and perhaps you’ve been as mad at God as you have been at your husband. But that anger is misplaced. Though the revelation hurt, the Lord has proven His undying love for you by exposing your husband’s sexual sin, and he stands ready to help you get through this.
While you may not feel good about what has happened, this event could bring about one of the most hopeful times of your life. The discovery of your husband’s secret sin has revealed the true state of your marital union, and now you have the opportunity to experience something real with him. Marriage doesn’t have to be a big, fat lie. . . .Whatever it’s been up until now, it doesn’t have to stay there.
It will be helpful if you view the discovery of your husband’s sin as God’s grace in your life. His sexual impropriety has been like a huge life-sucking tumor silently attacking your marriage. But now that you’ve found the cancer, there’s hope. Now you can pray for healing, begin treatment, and seek a marital life restored and brimming with health. Best of all, this is your chance to live out the truth that all things work together for the good of those who love Him.
God has set you free to pursue your personal healing. And He aches to see the same thing for your marriage. Here’s your chance to live like a real Christian, to truly sacrifice, and to truly align your thinking with Christ regarding your marriage.3
My husband is addicted to porn – Moving on
You now have a choice. So what will you focus on—the pain or the hope? Probably both at first, and I don’t blame you. There will be days when the pain of your husband’s betrayal will overwhelm you, and your anger will drive hope far away. That’s okay. God understands, and He won’t bop you over the head for your lack of faith. He’d rather hug you and draw you near, if you’ll let him. You’re His child, remember?
Still, thanking God for the revelation and choosing hope for the future is the first step to your freedom. Yes, even if your husband hasn’t fully repented yet. Sure, your first faltering steps in this direction will be like crossing a stream by jumping from rock to slippery rock, which means it won’t be easy. Being thankful in the midst of chaos is always a challenge. Sometimes it’ll feel as if you’re thanking Him for your pain, which may seem comical and even hypocritical in your eyes. And it may take daily discipline, even moment-by-moment discipline, to maintain a grateful outlook.
But as you discipline your heart to the truth and choose to be thankful for what He has done in opening your eyes, your obedience will kick up a breeze of the Spirit’s breath in your life that’ll begin to dissipate your pain. That’s what we’re after.
Not that “thank you, Lord” is some magical phrase that will instantly make everything better. Until your husband commits his whole heart to winning the battle, until God can get your husband’s full attention, things will still go roughly for you.
But even in that case, a thankful heart is your best first step, a step that begins to give you your sanity back as you wait for God’s work to be done in your husband’s life. Everything is in the light now. You’re no longer guessing what’s going on, and you know the score regarding your marriage. Sure, you may have to wait awhile for victory, but even so, all is not lost. This time can serve you well, as you still have plenty of work to do in your own life if you expect to answer God’s call as your husband’s helpmate, a work that’ll serve to focus your husband’s attention on God.4
Remember, [t]his is ultimately between your husband and the King. You needn’t jump him every time he blows it. Trust God. When you aren’t speaking, you can be certain that God is.
Your husband is addicted to porn. You’ve been crushed by your his behavior, and rightly so. Where do you go from here? Do you stay with him? Punish him? Dump him? All you know is that you cannot and will not compete with the stuff he’s filling his mind with.
Mandy said she always believed her husband when he told her he simply didn’t have much sexual desire—until the day she happened to open a package that came in the mail. Inside were two DVDs of naked women, a Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, a Fredrick’s of Hollywood catalog, a Victoria’s Secret catalog, and a Howard Stern tape.
She was devastated, saying, “Most men want to have sex all the time. Mine now says he totally hates sex, but that he likes to look at nude women and fantasize, and he’s been masturbating two or three times a day and has nothing left for me! I feel completely rejected by my own husband. Do you understand that? Do you understand that I love my husband and I want him to love me? I have no one to talk to about this. I know I should pour myself out before the Lord, but I hurt too much. Is there any earthly help for me?”1
My husband is addicted to porn – Is it normal to feel the way I do?
If your husband is addicted to porn, he is not leading a disciplined life. He is robbing you, so you naturally feel crushed. What other feelings will surge over you in the wake of his porn and the masturbation that follows? Anger, for one. It’s normal to be angry when you’ve been robbed, and so it’s normal to be angry at your husband’s sexual sin. You needn’t apologize for that.
Don’t be surprised if you’re feeling like an outright fool too. What could be more normal? When you find out that your husband has been secretly looking at another’s bare body and masturbating, you’ll feel utterly blindsided. You may even be kicking yourself for not having seen it coming, especially if your female intuition sent out early warning signals. . . signals that you, in your faithfulness to him, laughed off as paranoid or even out-and-out silly.
If you’ve ignored such clues, you feel like a fool, another common emotion swamping wives in the wake. But that feeling becomes an overwhelming flood if you’ve beat yourself up over his lack of sexual desire over the past few years, figuring that your “home cooking” should have kept him coming back for more if it tasted any good.
Out of guilt you may have shouldered the whole load of responsibility for his lack of desire -- maybe dieting hard to lose weight and pouring out sweat in heavy workouts to draw out the desires of your one and only. Perhaps you’ve stopped by Victoria’s Secret in order to drape yourself in something visually tantalizing to spark his attentions, even though wearing it made you feel uncomfortable. And often, when you bravely initiated a passionate encounter, your vulnerability was flung back in your face.
And now? You’ve found out it was never your fault at all. While you were sacrificing juicy burgers for limp salads and running treadmills like a gerbil on a wheel, he was masturbating away his sex drive on others. On your darker days you now even suspect that he conveniently led you to believe that you were to blame, intentionally and artfully using your guilt, fear, and disciplined regimens to cover the tracks of his undisciplined life. How stupid you feel! How conned!2
My husband is addicted to porn – What do I do now?
Face it. Because of his sexual sin, your marriage was compromised. Sure, you’re hurt and very angry. You’ve lost that warm, cozy image of your marriage, and that naturally wounds you deeply. But in another sense, you haven’t lost as much as you think, because your marriage wasn’t what it appeared to be. My point? There is a bright silver lining to this dark, billowing cloud. Think about it: you have been living in a false world, and had it not been for this revelation of your husband’s sin, you might have blindly and tragically gone through your whole life without ever experiencing the richness God intends for your marriage. But God is faithful, and He loves you too much to leave you where you are now. Of course, it’s my odds-on guess that this hasn’t felt much like love to you, and perhaps you’ve been as mad at God as you have been at your husband. But that anger is misplaced. Though the revelation hurt, the Lord has proven His undying love for you by exposing your husband’s sexual sin, and he stands ready to help you get through this.
While you may not feel good about what has happened, this event could bring about one of the most hopeful times of your life. The discovery of your husband’s secret sin has revealed the true state of your marital union, and now you have the opportunity to experience something real with him. Marriage doesn’t have to be a big, fat lie. . . .Whatever it’s been up until now, it doesn’t have to stay there.
It will be helpful if you view the discovery of your husband’s sin as God’s grace in your life. His sexual impropriety has been like a huge life-sucking tumor silently attacking your marriage. But now that you’ve found the cancer, there’s hope. Now you can pray for healing, begin treatment, and seek a marital life restored and brimming with health. Best of all, this is your chance to live out the truth that all things work together for the good of those who love Him.
God has set you free to pursue your personal healing. And He aches to see the same thing for your marriage. Here’s your chance to live like a real Christian, to truly sacrifice, and to truly align your thinking with Christ regarding your marriage.3
My husband is addicted to porn – Moving on
You now have a choice. So what will you focus on—the pain or the hope? Probably both at first, and I don’t blame you. There will be days when the pain of your husband’s betrayal will overwhelm you, and your anger will drive hope far away. That’s okay. God understands, and He won’t bop you over the head for your lack of faith. He’d rather hug you and draw you near, if you’ll let him. You’re His child, remember?
Still, thanking God for the revelation and choosing hope for the future is the first step to your freedom. Yes, even if your husband hasn’t fully repented yet. Sure, your first faltering steps in this direction will be like crossing a stream by jumping from rock to slippery rock, which means it won’t be easy. Being thankful in the midst of chaos is always a challenge. Sometimes it’ll feel as if you’re thanking Him for your pain, which may seem comical and even hypocritical in your eyes. And it may take daily discipline, even moment-by-moment discipline, to maintain a grateful outlook.
But as you discipline your heart to the truth and choose to be thankful for what He has done in opening your eyes, your obedience will kick up a breeze of the Spirit’s breath in your life that’ll begin to dissipate your pain. That’s what we’re after.
Not that “thank you, Lord” is some magical phrase that will instantly make everything better. Until your husband commits his whole heart to winning the battle, until God can get your husband’s full attention, things will still go roughly for you.
But even in that case, a thankful heart is your best first step, a step that begins to give you your sanity back as you wait for God’s work to be done in your husband’s life. Everything is in the light now. You’re no longer guessing what’s going on, and you know the score regarding your marriage. Sure, you may have to wait awhile for victory, but even so, all is not lost. This time can serve you well, as you still have plenty of work to do in your own life if you expect to answer God’s call as your husband’s helpmate, a work that’ll serve to focus your husband’s attention on God.4
Remember, [t]his is ultimately between your husband and the King. You needn’t jump him every time he blows it. Trust God. When you aren’t speaking, you can be certain that God is.
Emotional Infidelity - Is It Wrong?
For Women
Emotional Infidelity – What does it mean?
Emotional infidelity occurs when we think intimately about and crave emotional intimacy from someone other than our spouse. “Imagine an actor preparing to perform in a play. She memorizes her lines, gets inside the character’s head, and tries to imagine how this person would feel and act. She rehearses being that person. . .The more she’s rehearsed being that character, the sharper and more “automatic” her performance.
“Something similar happens when we fantasize sexually or emotionally about inappropriate or sinful behavior. We are rehearsing what we think about the conversations we would have with a particular [person] if we were ever alone with him/her, when we entertain thoughts of an intimate rendezvous, or wish that a certain [person] would take special notice of us. . . When we don’t guard our minds in our relationships, we weaken our resistance before any encounter takes place.” 1
Emotional infidelity often starts when you share intimate details of your life with a person other than your spouse. You may be going through a rough part of your marriage and feel like you can’t talk to your spouse, so you choose to receive intimacy from another. That person makes you feel special and that makes you feel good. You begin to open up more and more and you like the feeling you have when you are with them. You crave the emotional intimacy you receive from that person.
Before you know it, you are sharing the deepest intimate details of your marriage. What’s the harm in this? The harm comes in the separation that has now occurred between you and your spouse. You have crossed a marital boundary. God has commanded us to be faithful to our spouses. Emotional infidelity is adultery (Matthew 5:28).
Emotional Infidelity – How does it happen?
There are so many seemingly harmless ways for “good” people to commit emotional infidelity. It often happens through everyday activities and the ideas that we allow to influence our minds.
Consider establishing healthy boundaries in these areas:
Limit television viewing and avoid watching soap operas and movies that contain sexual content and extra-marital affairs.
Be careful where you go on the Internet. Avoid all forms of pornography. When active in chat rooms, be sure your spouse is around and keeps you accountable for your activities online.
Avoid pornographic billboards. Take a different route, if needed.
Be careful what novels you read. Many women choose not to read romance novels because they tend to compare their husband with the hero in the story and then they see that their husband doesn’t measure up.
Limit your intake of magazines.
Be on guard so you don’t develop an inappropriate relationship with someone besides your spouse, no matter how innocent you believe it to be.
If you need to have a business meeting with someone of the opposite sex, consider bringing along your spouse or another coworker. Avoid being alone together.
Accountability partners are another way of having a check and balance system. If you find you are prone to slip, ask a good friend to hold you accountable. When you feel like you are headed for trouble -- call them to talk and pray together.
Emotional Infidelity – How can I keep my mind pure?
How can we keep my mind pure and avoid emotional infidelity? It’s not always the easiest thing to do since we live in a world where sex sells.
Inappropriate thoughts are bound to come creeping into our brains occasionally, but we can choose not to entertain them. We don’t have to rehearse them like the actor mentioned above. We can immediately dismiss impure thoughts and we can refuse to commit emotional infidelity.
We need to make a commitment to keep our mind drenched with pure thoughts. When we have thoughts that are inappropriate, we need to take them captive (2 Corinthians 10:5). God tells us: “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable -- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy -- think about such things.”
We will not be tempted beyond what we can bear (1 Corinthians 10:13). God will always provide a way out.
Emotional Infidelity – What does it mean?
Emotional infidelity occurs when we think intimately about and crave emotional intimacy from someone other than our spouse. “Imagine an actor preparing to perform in a play. She memorizes her lines, gets inside the character’s head, and tries to imagine how this person would feel and act. She rehearses being that person. . .The more she’s rehearsed being that character, the sharper and more “automatic” her performance.
“Something similar happens when we fantasize sexually or emotionally about inappropriate or sinful behavior. We are rehearsing what we think about the conversations we would have with a particular [person] if we were ever alone with him/her, when we entertain thoughts of an intimate rendezvous, or wish that a certain [person] would take special notice of us. . . When we don’t guard our minds in our relationships, we weaken our resistance before any encounter takes place.” 1
Emotional infidelity often starts when you share intimate details of your life with a person other than your spouse. You may be going through a rough part of your marriage and feel like you can’t talk to your spouse, so you choose to receive intimacy from another. That person makes you feel special and that makes you feel good. You begin to open up more and more and you like the feeling you have when you are with them. You crave the emotional intimacy you receive from that person.
Before you know it, you are sharing the deepest intimate details of your marriage. What’s the harm in this? The harm comes in the separation that has now occurred between you and your spouse. You have crossed a marital boundary. God has commanded us to be faithful to our spouses. Emotional infidelity is adultery (Matthew 5:28).
Emotional Infidelity – How does it happen?
There are so many seemingly harmless ways for “good” people to commit emotional infidelity. It often happens through everyday activities and the ideas that we allow to influence our minds.
Consider establishing healthy boundaries in these areas:
Limit television viewing and avoid watching soap operas and movies that contain sexual content and extra-marital affairs.
Be careful where you go on the Internet. Avoid all forms of pornography. When active in chat rooms, be sure your spouse is around and keeps you accountable for your activities online.
Avoid pornographic billboards. Take a different route, if needed.
Be careful what novels you read. Many women choose not to read romance novels because they tend to compare their husband with the hero in the story and then they see that their husband doesn’t measure up.
Limit your intake of magazines.
Be on guard so you don’t develop an inappropriate relationship with someone besides your spouse, no matter how innocent you believe it to be.
If you need to have a business meeting with someone of the opposite sex, consider bringing along your spouse or another coworker. Avoid being alone together.
Accountability partners are another way of having a check and balance system. If you find you are prone to slip, ask a good friend to hold you accountable. When you feel like you are headed for trouble -- call them to talk and pray together.
Emotional Infidelity – How can I keep my mind pure?
How can we keep my mind pure and avoid emotional infidelity? It’s not always the easiest thing to do since we live in a world where sex sells.
Inappropriate thoughts are bound to come creeping into our brains occasionally, but we can choose not to entertain them. We don’t have to rehearse them like the actor mentioned above. We can immediately dismiss impure thoughts and we can refuse to commit emotional infidelity.
We need to make a commitment to keep our mind drenched with pure thoughts. When we have thoughts that are inappropriate, we need to take them captive (2 Corinthians 10:5). God tells us: “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable -- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy -- think about such things.”
We will not be tempted beyond what we can bear (1 Corinthians 10:13). God will always provide a way out.
Porn Addiction – Waging War
Porn Addiction – The War
Many men are waging war against the devastating enemy of porn addiction—a war that seems unbeatable.
The movie, Rocky Balboa, came with much testosterone-prompted anticipation. One trailer for the movie portrayed Rocky Balboa (Sylvester Stallone) speaking while a close-up of his bruised, blackened, and determined eyes visually expresses the struggle he was undertaking. It was what he says in that trailer that intrigues me the most. I hear it as a motivational word to men who war against a seemingly untamable and unbeatable foe, an addiction to pornography.
“What is it you said to the kid? The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very rough mean place. And no matter how tough you think you are it will always bring you to your knees and keep you there, permanently, if you let it. You or nobody ain’t never going to hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard you hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. If you know what you’re worth, go out a get what you are worth. But you’ve got to be willing to take the hit.”1
Warring against an addiction to pornography leaves a man battered and beaten by his enemy. In times of strength, the man hits his enemy with everything he has. As a result, he may encounter days, weeks, and sometimes even months of false victory. The man begins to embrace a counterfeit confidence as he watches his enemy stagger in the corner. However, one moment of weakness refreshes his nemesis with such velocity that the man is propelled into a barrage of pornographic beatings. These beatings lead to a cycle of strife, shame, lies, and guilt as the man attempts to cover up his weakness. Inevitably, this leaves the man feeling like a fraud and a disbeliever in himself and the faith he has in God; weakening the determination that is suppose to sustain him in battle.
Porn Addiction – The Personal Struggle
I have found myself battling porn addiction more than just a few times. However, this is why the above quote from the latest Rocky film stuck out to me so much. Because it gave words to an understanding I have gained throughout my personal war against pornography. Half the battle is understanding that it is not how hard one can hit, or even how long one can remain in victory, it’s how hard he can get hit and keep moving forward.
A leader in my life once told me that the struggle is a great sign. If the struggle isn’t happening, then something is wrong. It is the struggle that tells a man that he is still on the right path and that hope is still in the air. The struggle is not the end point or the final goal; however, if you are not struggling then you have already lost or given up. That is, unless you have reached that final goal and have completely defeated your enemy. However, is this really possible for us mortals? The answer is yes, but only through Christ; we cannot defeat out enemy on our own.
Porn Addiction – The Victory
I have had many years and opportunities to figure out my weaknesses in the area of porn addiction. Yet my question has always been; why do I have to be the one to struggle with this? Why couldn’t my struggle be with something else? As I have searched for the answer I have come to understand that victory is sure, but the only way I will ever bask in it is to stay the course, run the race, take the punches, and keep moving forward in my walk with Jesus Christ. He is my redeemer, my healer, my hope, and my strength. I cannot do this by myself and counting my days of victory will never prove successful. I can only look to Christ my king, stand firm, and let nothing move me. He makes it possible, for “I can do everything through him who gives me strength” (Philippians 4:13).
Many men are waging war against the devastating enemy of porn addiction—a war that seems unbeatable.
The movie, Rocky Balboa, came with much testosterone-prompted anticipation. One trailer for the movie portrayed Rocky Balboa (Sylvester Stallone) speaking while a close-up of his bruised, blackened, and determined eyes visually expresses the struggle he was undertaking. It was what he says in that trailer that intrigues me the most. I hear it as a motivational word to men who war against a seemingly untamable and unbeatable foe, an addiction to pornography.
“What is it you said to the kid? The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very rough mean place. And no matter how tough you think you are it will always bring you to your knees and keep you there, permanently, if you let it. You or nobody ain’t never going to hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard you hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. If you know what you’re worth, go out a get what you are worth. But you’ve got to be willing to take the hit.”1
Warring against an addiction to pornography leaves a man battered and beaten by his enemy. In times of strength, the man hits his enemy with everything he has. As a result, he may encounter days, weeks, and sometimes even months of false victory. The man begins to embrace a counterfeit confidence as he watches his enemy stagger in the corner. However, one moment of weakness refreshes his nemesis with such velocity that the man is propelled into a barrage of pornographic beatings. These beatings lead to a cycle of strife, shame, lies, and guilt as the man attempts to cover up his weakness. Inevitably, this leaves the man feeling like a fraud and a disbeliever in himself and the faith he has in God; weakening the determination that is suppose to sustain him in battle.
Porn Addiction – The Personal Struggle
I have found myself battling porn addiction more than just a few times. However, this is why the above quote from the latest Rocky film stuck out to me so much. Because it gave words to an understanding I have gained throughout my personal war against pornography. Half the battle is understanding that it is not how hard one can hit, or even how long one can remain in victory, it’s how hard he can get hit and keep moving forward.
A leader in my life once told me that the struggle is a great sign. If the struggle isn’t happening, then something is wrong. It is the struggle that tells a man that he is still on the right path and that hope is still in the air. The struggle is not the end point or the final goal; however, if you are not struggling then you have already lost or given up. That is, unless you have reached that final goal and have completely defeated your enemy. However, is this really possible for us mortals? The answer is yes, but only through Christ; we cannot defeat out enemy on our own.
Porn Addiction – The Victory
I have had many years and opportunities to figure out my weaknesses in the area of porn addiction. Yet my question has always been; why do I have to be the one to struggle with this? Why couldn’t my struggle be with something else? As I have searched for the answer I have come to understand that victory is sure, but the only way I will ever bask in it is to stay the course, run the race, take the punches, and keep moving forward in my walk with Jesus Christ. He is my redeemer, my healer, my hope, and my strength. I cannot do this by myself and counting my days of victory will never prove successful. I can only look to Christ my king, stand firm, and let nothing move me. He makes it possible, for “I can do everything through him who gives me strength” (Philippians 4:13).
Porn Addiction Help - A Personal Story
Porn Addiction Help – Can God Help?
Can God help me with porn addiction help? Remember, God has already gained the victory over porn addiction through the death and resurrection of His son Jesus Christ. Our job, then, is to look to Him in this understanding and give ourselves to Him in relationship and obedience. It is important to have accountability, good counsel, books, and seminars and all the other spiritual supplements to our war against pornography addiction. However, none of those things, in themselves, will bring true healing and victory. It is Christ who, after we have made ourselves available to Him, scoops out the muck and the mire of our hearts and replaces it with purity, strength, and integrity.
Sometimes, He does not do this by snapping His fingers and simply taking it away. Instead, He helps us war it out of our flesh. Healing and victory is a process of growth through Christ-centered adoration, faith, and obedience that will teach us to be true men of God. Christ, in time, appropriately handles, heals, and eliminates the deep rooted and underlying causes of our sin, growing us in Him along the way. A great place to gain context on this process is in 2 Peter 1. Here the Apostle Peter speaks of making our calling and election sure. He describes the very things which God has given us, that if we increase in them and add to our lives the virtues of faith and obedience then we will be kept from “being ineffective and unproductive” in our relationship with Christ.
Porn Addiction Help – The Battlefield
War, in a very emotional and physical human experience, is like nothing everyday civilians will ever come to grips with. Only those who have seen the battlefield can understand what it is like. If these men and women can stand, without turning away, in the face of an enemy that is using fearful tactics and deadly weaponry to destroy them, then I too can stand in the face of an enemy attempting to destroy my life.
A soldier’s job is to hold the line, to prevent the enemy from breaking through and taking ground that will threaten the freedom of the many they fight for. Their job is to risk their lives in order to defeat an enemy that is attempting to take away our way of life. In the same manner, it is our job as men of God to hold the line of our hearts, minds, and families and let nothing move us. We are to press forward in Jesus name and reclaim the land that has been taken from us. John 10:10 says, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. . .” Satan has stolen our purity and is attempting to destroy our integrity and kill the hope we hold onto. Yet, Jesus says that He has “. . .come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” He is the redeemer of all we have lost in our war.
Think of how brutal the battlefield is. The blasts of artillery, the smell of gun powder, the screams of wounded soldiers, and the bodies of those who gave themselves for freedom’s sake strewn about on the ground. It is utter chaos and full of fear and adrenaline. However, the soldier presses through and keeps going. How they do it, I will never understand. It seems a great impossibility. Yet, in all that, if they can keep moving forward then so can I and so can you. I know which side I am on and I hope you know which side you are on. Despite my greatest temptations and deepest weaknesses I know I can keep going and so can you.
Porn Addiction Help – Be Strengthened
I want to encourage you today as you seek porn addiction help. You can press through. Your enemy is not so fierce that you must lie down and give up. I understand that I do not know the severity of your problem, what it is you are facing or how deep it may be. However, Jesus can reach you wherever you are. He knows exactly what you are feeling. He is there, in the midst your struggles, your hardships, your battles, and your wars. He knows that you are insufficient and incapable of winning on your own. Therefore, if you are willing to open yourself to Him, He will break the cycle and bring you to victory. Stand firm then, let nothing move you and keep moving forward
Can God help me with porn addiction help? Remember, God has already gained the victory over porn addiction through the death and resurrection of His son Jesus Christ. Our job, then, is to look to Him in this understanding and give ourselves to Him in relationship and obedience. It is important to have accountability, good counsel, books, and seminars and all the other spiritual supplements to our war against pornography addiction. However, none of those things, in themselves, will bring true healing and victory. It is Christ who, after we have made ourselves available to Him, scoops out the muck and the mire of our hearts and replaces it with purity, strength, and integrity.
Sometimes, He does not do this by snapping His fingers and simply taking it away. Instead, He helps us war it out of our flesh. Healing and victory is a process of growth through Christ-centered adoration, faith, and obedience that will teach us to be true men of God. Christ, in time, appropriately handles, heals, and eliminates the deep rooted and underlying causes of our sin, growing us in Him along the way. A great place to gain context on this process is in 2 Peter 1. Here the Apostle Peter speaks of making our calling and election sure. He describes the very things which God has given us, that if we increase in them and add to our lives the virtues of faith and obedience then we will be kept from “being ineffective and unproductive” in our relationship with Christ.
Porn Addiction Help – The Battlefield
War, in a very emotional and physical human experience, is like nothing everyday civilians will ever come to grips with. Only those who have seen the battlefield can understand what it is like. If these men and women can stand, without turning away, in the face of an enemy that is using fearful tactics and deadly weaponry to destroy them, then I too can stand in the face of an enemy attempting to destroy my life.
A soldier’s job is to hold the line, to prevent the enemy from breaking through and taking ground that will threaten the freedom of the many they fight for. Their job is to risk their lives in order to defeat an enemy that is attempting to take away our way of life. In the same manner, it is our job as men of God to hold the line of our hearts, minds, and families and let nothing move us. We are to press forward in Jesus name and reclaim the land that has been taken from us. John 10:10 says, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. . .” Satan has stolen our purity and is attempting to destroy our integrity and kill the hope we hold onto. Yet, Jesus says that He has “. . .come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” He is the redeemer of all we have lost in our war.
Think of how brutal the battlefield is. The blasts of artillery, the smell of gun powder, the screams of wounded soldiers, and the bodies of those who gave themselves for freedom’s sake strewn about on the ground. It is utter chaos and full of fear and adrenaline. However, the soldier presses through and keeps going. How they do it, I will never understand. It seems a great impossibility. Yet, in all that, if they can keep moving forward then so can I and so can you. I know which side I am on and I hope you know which side you are on. Despite my greatest temptations and deepest weaknesses I know I can keep going and so can you.
Porn Addiction Help – Be Strengthened
I want to encourage you today as you seek porn addiction help. You can press through. Your enemy is not so fierce that you must lie down and give up. I understand that I do not know the severity of your problem, what it is you are facing or how deep it may be. However, Jesus can reach you wherever you are. He knows exactly what you are feeling. He is there, in the midst your struggles, your hardships, your battles, and your wars. He knows that you are insufficient and incapable of winning on your own. Therefore, if you are willing to open yourself to Him, He will break the cycle and bring you to victory. Stand firm then, let nothing move you and keep moving forward
Inside The Mind Of A Sex Addict
Love: What's It All About?
Discover the problems and the solutions for several love-related issues that plague men, women, and relationships. Read first-hand stories of struggle and victory.
For Men:
Inside The Mind Of A Sex Addict
Inside the Mind of a Sex Addict – More than the Naked Eye Sees
If you ever wanted to explore inside the mind of a sex addict, then just keep reading. I was a prime candidate for pornography addiction -- 29 years old, single, and I was horny as heck! New to town and not knowing any girls with whom I could talk made it easy to see them only as sex objects, so I focused only on their physical attributes.
Have you ever heard of the song, I’m A Girl Watcher? It became my theme song in my new hometown. Initially, I obsessed about women’s physical attributes with their clothes on, but this led to the natural progression of wanting to see them without clothes. More than a few counselors in my city, of which I was one, had a womanizing reputation. Being sexually active was almost expected and condoned. Daily, my boss retold his youthful sexual exploits -- now too old to continue. “Boy you ought to be humping (having sex) every night,” his chauffeur once said. Such surroundings would make it easy to blame others for my fall into pornography, but I take full responsibility. No one held a gun to my head.
Flipping TV channels at my boss’ home late one night, my eyes hit the Playboy channel and I was hooked! I couldn’t see enough nudity and sex. My conscience was saying “No,” but I wouldn’t listen. Having counsel from mature moral men would have been nice. But no excuses -- I’m totally responsible for my wrong choices and their consequences, some lifelong. How did a boy raised in church get here -- becoming a porn addict?
Inside the Mind of a Sex Addict—Living A Double Life
The reasoning inside the mind of a sex addict usually suggests going underground with your new lifestyle, becoming a secret agent because people won’t understand. They’ll reject you. You know the middle and high school drill -- one way with parents/teachers and another with peers. Getting high from the chemicals the brain releases makes pornography extremely addictive. Pornography enslaved me to this chemical release in my own brain -- doing whatever it took to get high. My brain became my own drug supplier, eliminating any middle man. No one warned me that this addiction would escalate. Watching pornography not only affected my mind, but my body.
Masturbation is the next step in pornography. Pornography triggers a physical response -- an erection. Erections demand a release or a cold shower. I wasn’t about to take a cold shower! Masturbating unleashed a new source of pleasure. My addiction had now tripled: my lusting eyes, the euphoric feeling from the brain chemicals, and the pleasure of masturbating. Avoiding peak hours at the video store was critical in not being seen with pornographic videos. Every free moment, my mind was focusing on pornography. You may be thinking similar thoughts, “So what if girls rejected me or someone mistreated me, relief is only a DVD or a website away.”
Inside the Mind of a Sex Addict—Regaining Control of Me
Often a constant battle rages inside the mind of a sex addict. Initially, all the secrecy and illicit pleasure was fun. But the more pornography I consumed, the more it consumed me. Stimulation required more perverse pornography. I wasn’t in control -- the pornography was! Addicted while single, I carried it into my marriage. This resulted in deceiving my wife, the one with whom I’m to be closest. Hiding my addiction from my wife got old quick. I must be crazy for risking my marriage for fantasy!
Pornography promotes selfishness. Seldom did I think of bringing sexual pleasure to my wife. I thought only about getting, not giving. Pornography made it difficult if not impossible to develop intimacy with my wife. When we had conflict, pornography made it so easy to cop out and not work through the conflict. (I’ve since learned that working through conflict, not avoiding it, is the key to marital intimacy.)
Finally, I saw that pornography was destroying my marriage and me. I needed help. God provided it through an unusual revival that broke out on Christian college campuses across the country. Without music and any form of manipulation, students gathered, one by one confessing their sins. My executive director thought it would be beneficial for our office to do this. So, in front of men and women and with God’s help, I publicly confessed my sin of pornography. Immediately, what felt like a physical weight was lifted off of me. I was free! Instead of receiving criticism, men put their hands on my shoulders and prayed for me! Then, I went home and confessed to my wife. She immediately forgave me. She has never mentioned it since then. In fact, she has given me permission to publicly share my story to help free others. Not every wife is ready for us to unload our guilt on them. Become a student of your wife -- be sure she’s ready and willing to hear this from you. You may first need to spend months building trust and intimacy with her.
Freedom is seldom appreciated until it is gone. Being free from pornography is incredible! It has resulted in a new closeness with my wife, less stress from living a double life, peace, self-worth, and no deception from momentary pleasure. I now have self-imposed boundaries and I also have an accountability partner. I’ve replaced pornography with life-giving priorities: family time, helping others, writing, and speaking.
Discover the problems and the solutions for several love-related issues that plague men, women, and relationships. Read first-hand stories of struggle and victory.
For Men:
Inside The Mind Of A Sex Addict
Inside the Mind of a Sex Addict – More than the Naked Eye Sees
If you ever wanted to explore inside the mind of a sex addict, then just keep reading. I was a prime candidate for pornography addiction -- 29 years old, single, and I was horny as heck! New to town and not knowing any girls with whom I could talk made it easy to see them only as sex objects, so I focused only on their physical attributes.
Have you ever heard of the song, I’m A Girl Watcher? It became my theme song in my new hometown. Initially, I obsessed about women’s physical attributes with their clothes on, but this led to the natural progression of wanting to see them without clothes. More than a few counselors in my city, of which I was one, had a womanizing reputation. Being sexually active was almost expected and condoned. Daily, my boss retold his youthful sexual exploits -- now too old to continue. “Boy you ought to be humping (having sex) every night,” his chauffeur once said. Such surroundings would make it easy to blame others for my fall into pornography, but I take full responsibility. No one held a gun to my head.
Flipping TV channels at my boss’ home late one night, my eyes hit the Playboy channel and I was hooked! I couldn’t see enough nudity and sex. My conscience was saying “No,” but I wouldn’t listen. Having counsel from mature moral men would have been nice. But no excuses -- I’m totally responsible for my wrong choices and their consequences, some lifelong. How did a boy raised in church get here -- becoming a porn addict?
Inside the Mind of a Sex Addict—Living A Double Life
The reasoning inside the mind of a sex addict usually suggests going underground with your new lifestyle, becoming a secret agent because people won’t understand. They’ll reject you. You know the middle and high school drill -- one way with parents/teachers and another with peers. Getting high from the chemicals the brain releases makes pornography extremely addictive. Pornography enslaved me to this chemical release in my own brain -- doing whatever it took to get high. My brain became my own drug supplier, eliminating any middle man. No one warned me that this addiction would escalate. Watching pornography not only affected my mind, but my body.
Masturbation is the next step in pornography. Pornography triggers a physical response -- an erection. Erections demand a release or a cold shower. I wasn’t about to take a cold shower! Masturbating unleashed a new source of pleasure. My addiction had now tripled: my lusting eyes, the euphoric feeling from the brain chemicals, and the pleasure of masturbating. Avoiding peak hours at the video store was critical in not being seen with pornographic videos. Every free moment, my mind was focusing on pornography. You may be thinking similar thoughts, “So what if girls rejected me or someone mistreated me, relief is only a DVD or a website away.”
Inside the Mind of a Sex Addict—Regaining Control of Me
Often a constant battle rages inside the mind of a sex addict. Initially, all the secrecy and illicit pleasure was fun. But the more pornography I consumed, the more it consumed me. Stimulation required more perverse pornography. I wasn’t in control -- the pornography was! Addicted while single, I carried it into my marriage. This resulted in deceiving my wife, the one with whom I’m to be closest. Hiding my addiction from my wife got old quick. I must be crazy for risking my marriage for fantasy!
Pornography promotes selfishness. Seldom did I think of bringing sexual pleasure to my wife. I thought only about getting, not giving. Pornography made it difficult if not impossible to develop intimacy with my wife. When we had conflict, pornography made it so easy to cop out and not work through the conflict. (I’ve since learned that working through conflict, not avoiding it, is the key to marital intimacy.)
Finally, I saw that pornography was destroying my marriage and me. I needed help. God provided it through an unusual revival that broke out on Christian college campuses across the country. Without music and any form of manipulation, students gathered, one by one confessing their sins. My executive director thought it would be beneficial for our office to do this. So, in front of men and women and with God’s help, I publicly confessed my sin of pornography. Immediately, what felt like a physical weight was lifted off of me. I was free! Instead of receiving criticism, men put their hands on my shoulders and prayed for me! Then, I went home and confessed to my wife. She immediately forgave me. She has never mentioned it since then. In fact, she has given me permission to publicly share my story to help free others. Not every wife is ready for us to unload our guilt on them. Become a student of your wife -- be sure she’s ready and willing to hear this from you. You may first need to spend months building trust and intimacy with her.
Freedom is seldom appreciated until it is gone. Being free from pornography is incredible! It has resulted in a new closeness with my wife, less stress from living a double life, peace, self-worth, and no deception from momentary pleasure. I now have self-imposed boundaries and I also have an accountability partner. I’ve replaced pornography with life-giving priorities: family time, helping others, writing, and speaking.
